Finding Forgiveness # 2

 

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It had been a week since the unexpected news. She had barely slept nor had any food. And the tears did not stop flowing. Awuni had stopped calling and texting after 2 days when she didn’t reply any of them. Amina had been kind enough to let her stay a few more days till she was better and prevent Awuni from seeing her. He was the last person she wanted to see. The disgust that was brewing up her lungs and turning to hate in her heart and mind  was unexplainable.

Yes she needed answers, explanations any closure at all for what he had done. But she wasn’t ready to talk to him or be an inch close to him. Abena needed to be far away from him. If Amina hadn’t caught her that afternoon, she would have gone mad. Abena wanted to get away for a while but Amina advised she faced the issue first rather than run away from it. She had thought out a million scenarios to deny it.

The house held so many wonderful memories but Abena dreaded going back to the house. She remembered when they had gone house hunting and finally settled on this. She particularly loved this house. It reminded her of the home she had grown up in. They had bought the house; their first property together. She was happy; they were in love and he had asked her to marry him. Abena and Awuni had walked down the aisle 4 years ago. Everything seemed perfect until now…. not entirely so.

They had been trying to conceive for a while now. Several check ups and prayers after, nothing seemed to be working. What Abena didn’t seem to understand was how he always calmed her down when she was fretting. Now he was going to have a child with someone else….. her arch rival…………. How had she missed the signs?
***
Awuni had been known to be involved with several others before Abena came into the picture. She had been warned severally and seen a couple of red flags but she was smitten and she had prayed all of it away hoping he will eventually change. Everything had been fine for a while in their relationship until she had heard Khareema for the first time from Maame’s mouth. When her cousin had told her she had seen Awuni in the company of another woman; skin touching skin and fireworks all over on a night he had told her he had a very important business meeting with some investors, Abena had refused to believe her and jokingly downplayed it. Apparently , Khareema was to become a torn in her flesh; she always had news updates from friends and family on seeing them together at a restaurant, events and even  trips out of town.

Then the arguments with Awuni became more and more heated and frequent by the day. They broke up several times and a million times just when she was trying to move on, he will come back apologising and convince Abena he had changed and lovingly she always took him back. She was still smitten by him no matter how hard she tried. But the cycle still continued. Khareema was still in their lives and she kept finding text messages and other red flags, yet she stayed. After 4 years of an unending roller coaster, Awuni finally stepped up and made her his wife. Everything seemed perfect and fine but it had only been short lived for another 4 years until she had received the call.

She didn’t have anymore strength for another show down. In the past, the two women had been involved in several confrontations. But she had outgrown that. At least society saw her as the wife so she had to maintain her image and reputation as such and not get involved in any nasty confrontations with the girlfriend.

She sat on the bed waiting and thinking how many times he had defiled their matrimonial bed. She sat there sobbing silently until she heard his car pull in. He froze for a while when he walked in.

Silence. Abena fidgets with her fingers like she will find all the answers there. Then finally she speaks. “ What’s she having?”  Then he answers, “ a boy”. A sharp pain to her chest lingers. A boy; what he has always wanted.

She looks at him and quietly she asks, “ Awuni why? How could you do this to me? How could you hurt me like this?” Where did I go wrong?”

He looks away and says, “ I wish I can explain but you will never understand.” That’s what I thought I needed .”

He takes stuff from the wardrobe and throws things into a duffel bag. He hesitates and then speaks “ I will be out of town for a while. Khareema developed some complications so I have to be there.”

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Then he walks out without another word. The tears stream down her face again. She sits on the floor surrounded by tissue balls soaked from tears. She puts the pieces together. She’s six months pregnant. It happened in January when she travelled for that business trip. And the little other things she had dismissed came dancing in her thoughts. She prayed that Khareema and the unborn child will be safe. She cried some more and tossed and turned that night with little sleep; her heart racing wildly.
***
She needed some closure, an apology; just something- even if it was another sugar coated lie but Awuni hadn’t given her that. He didn’t apologise; his defences were up. How was she going to deal with it when she needed just some form of explanation? How was she supposed to suppress the bile of bitterness and hate that was boiling within her. How was she supposed to put up a good composure outside and cry all night? How could she keep covering up to family, friends and gossips about his whereabouts when he had barely spoken to her after he  left that evening? It had been 4 weeks already. How was she going to handle the ridicule when it finally came out? Should she opt for divorce? Yes divorce. How could Awuni do this to her and not even apologise to her? He was with her now by her side and had left her in torment with nightmares and several bad thoughts working on the sanity of her mind.

She didn’t know how she was going to get back up with this kind of blow. This kind of shame. How was she going to find forgiveness? Yes seventy times seven her Christian principles had taught her to. But how could she do that ? Forgiving was easy to say but actually doing it considering Awuni had stepped out of their marriage and broken his vows. He had cheated and they were going to have a son; their” love child”. Then in one of her darkest moments, she stumbled on a word:

The Process of Healing and Moving Forward
“Healing is a process. There are many phases to it; forgiveness, guilt ,shame, regret, fear etc. It is more than forgiving those who hurt us, but also forgiving ourselves. And then moving forward and letting go of the pain and excess baggage weighing us down so that we can find our purpose of who God wants us to be.”

Abena realized it wasn’t going to be easy but she needed to start from somewhere. She needed to accept it, let go and forgive them. She needed to do it for herself; her sanity and the torment that was going through her mind.

The End

NanaAkua Frimpomaa Amofa  (c) 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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